Sometimes…
Been struggling to write
Didn’t know quite what to say
Although I know I’m covered
Sometimes I struggle with my faith
Thought I’d come clean and tell the truth
The reality of life right now has me spooked
And I’ve been super quiet for fear of the
Super Saints’ open rebuke
To be honest sometimes I’m up
To be candid, sometimes I’m down
To uncover it all, sometimes I’m anxious
Yep, me, my name is Courtney Brown
‘Cause though I’m walking tall
Sometimes I stumble and fall
Sometimes I get triggered
At the trauma of it all
In a mask at work
Now I’m wearing two
Trying to remember every protocol
Sanitizing down to my shoes
Can I go to the store today?
Will there be too many people out?
Sure would like to eat in a restaurant.
But taking that chance? I will not.
Most days I pray and worship through it
I quote the Scripture and march rhythmically to the beat of victory
Hands raised with the banner of the blood of Jesus over me
‘Cause it’s His truth that makes me free
Yet the dichotomy of my reality
Breaks me on a daily
And what’s ailing me makes me feel crazy
To even share my human frailty
Let’s see if I can put it plainly…
It is not my faith in God that falters
I trust Him with it all
Every piece of me, even this
He hears my cries before I call
God has nothing left to prove
God’s kept me even when I didn’t recognize His hand
God’s opened doors in unimaginable ways
Ways that even now I still can’t comprehend!
It’s not my faith in His ability that lacks
He’s all in all for all through all for me
But when my heart is racing and I can’t breathe
My soul sometimes gives way to the anxiety
I apologize for not being perfect
I don’t win every time
I already know God’s not given me the spirit of fear
But of love, power and a sound mind
But I’m going to be transparent here and tell you
Step by step is a momentary challenge
That I face sometimes civilized sometimes like a savage
While racing thoughts I try to manage
It a’int easy y’all to keep kicking
Life was full of challenges before
But having a pandemic running in the background
I cannot ignore anymore
I cannot pretend that it’s not happening
I cannot act as if there has not been loss
I cannot repeat quaint phrases that I’ve heard
Letting my speech oppose audibly what I cannot truly endorse
What I can do is be honest
I can offer you the truth of my process
I can tell you I’m saved but struggling some days
And hope you don’t think it’s nonsense
I can give God the glory for His keeping power
I can praise Him for His safety and grace
I can tell you the facts of my experience
Without diminishing His power or His name
‘Cause He’s still awesome
Although everything else may not be
And in the midst of these unprecedented circumstances
I win in Him is my decree
This dichotomy
Won’t always be
I win in Him is my decree
With His faithfulness
My heart agrees
I win in Him is my decree
