And then Daddy called- Dr. B.

And then Daddy called…

This month Beyond the Walls is focusing on the family. You will hear the Godly perspectives of the single, the divorced, and the veterans who’ve successfully navigated marriage and raising children.  I cannot WAIT to share with you all of the wonderful things that have been shared with me from each of these writers whom I know personally.

The first of these writers is me.  I know her pretty well or so I thought until something came up a few days ago that made me question how much I knew her.  I had to introduce myself to myself all over again in a “hi-my-name-is--Courtney-nice-to-meet-you” kind of way.  Ya’ll the “something” that stood up in my face had been playing like a soundtrack in the background of my experiences as a song on repeat.  Faintly enough that it never overtly kept me from functioning; but, present enough that it interrupted relationships and distracted me from purpose without me even knowing that it was doing so.  This “something” was built into the very tapestry of my every interaction. It was driving my behavior and motivating my accomplishments and I had tuned it out so well that I was not even cognizant of its subtle dominance. 

Whew! Pull up a chair friends.  This is gonna be good. I already have the tea kettle going as I was expecting you to stop by.  Chamomile and lavender? That’s my choice as well.  I’m already sitting in the rocking chair, rocking.  Are you ready? 

Well, this week was a bit turbulent for me emotionally.  It’s difficult for me to even be transparent about it because it’s so personal.  Telling this even tastefully makes me vulnerable.  I mean who likes to be wide open like that? Yet, I am compelled to do so because my life is not my own and prayerfully, my story will give you hope in an area that we do our best never to uncover, never to talk about, never to discuss.  After all, what happens in the house, stays in the house right?  

Not sure what you were taught; but that’s what I was taught and it’s been both a blessing and a curse to me.  I learned boundaries early which is a blessing.  Everybody doesn’t need to know everything, this is the truth.  Yet, about things that I really needed to process through, I didn’t because I held on to words, experiences, phrases, sights, smells, colors, events and the accompanying pain all because what happens in the house, stays in the house. 

But, Lord have mercy, what if what’s happening in the house is what’s causing the pain?  What if what’s in the house is not equipped to offer healing because what’s in the house is broken too, like you? 

*Sips tea

Let me invite you into a snapshot of my life with hopes that it will forge a pathway to the same healing and wholeness that I now possess.  A few days ago I was crying out to God for my Mom.  You see, my Mom has been dealing with a debilitating, degenerative disk disease since I was 3 years old. She is literally the strongest person I know.  Over time, this disease has affected her mobility and when you’re not able to move well, other things start to break down.  Sometimes Momma is up to talking and sometimes she’s in so much pain that she can’t.  She’s been in a lot of pain lately and I found myself crying out to God for her and for me because I wanted to hear her voice and she wasn’t responding to my phone calls.  So, I sat down to begin to construct a letter and began to weep on the page because the child in me just wanted to talk to my Momma.  

That night I prayed again; but this time with a couple of friends...or rather they prayed and I cried because I was spiraling.  I wanted to talk to Momma, I wanted Chris back, I wanted Kenyon back, I wanted my godfather back, I wanted Chedrick back — all people who’d recently passed away—I wanted people to be healed who were in the hospital on ventilators and my heart was so consumed in grief that I had no words. They prayed, I cried.

*Sips tea while rocking in my chair shaking my head...takes a deep breath

The very next day I mailed the letter and went about my quarantine routine.  I worked until lunch and hit the prayer line a little after 12.  The saints were calling down the power of heaven to earth and I bathed in the strength of that moment until my phone buzzed.  I looked down to see that it was my Dad and not some telemarketer, or potential spam call.  I immediately swapped the line as he generally doesn’t call in the middle of the day. Let me also say that my Dad still works in New Orleans and I felt a twinge of concern crawl up my spine as I didn’t know if he was maintaining wellness.  I said hello...and he responded with his usual “Hey Co-Ca” yet the tone of his greeting was somber and sad.  We exchanged our usual pleasantries and he began to disclose the reason for his call.

It turned out that Daddy had attended the funeral of his father-in-law, my step grandfather.  He remembered that he hadn’t told my sister and I about his passing and moreover that we didn’t even have a phone number to call to express condolences to my stepmother if we’d wanted to.  So, he gave me the numbers...the house number and my step-mother’s cell. 

Slow motion...everything slowed down to a crawl.  I copied the numbers down and promised I’d call. Time slowed down even more and 30 years of experiences came back to mind. I saw every time I’d felt rejected.  I saw every time I felt cut off from parts of Daddy’s life.  I saw every time I wondered what I’d done to be on the outside looking in.  I saw the tears and the searching and the longing.  I saw every relationship I entered trying to fix others hoping that others wouldn’t see that I needed to be fixed. I saw every time that I loved people who didn’t have the capacity to love me back.  I was broken and my brokenness was staring me in the face after 30 years.

Time stopped and I wrote the numbers down.  And, my 14 year old self looked at me with tears in her eyes.  She was beautiful; but she was tired.  And as I reached for her she appeared as my 17 year old self who looked at me, with tears in her eyes at high school graduation; hopeful about college but hurting deeply inside.  I reached for her to tell her not to worry and my 20 year old self appeared with determination and strength having come through suicide attempts and loss secretly fueled by anger, driven to accomplish “in spite of it all.”  I compassionately looked at her wanting to hug her tightly so that she could release the bitterness in her heart only to find that she had grown into a 30 year old who was unaware of how awesome she really was.  She was strong. She’d been brave. She’d accomplished a lot.  She was gifted, some would say anointed.  She was me, I was her; but she was so wounded.  She was running on fumes, not able to stop being busy.  She was drowning in work, hiding in ministry and feeling not enough. And as I reached for her with tears streaming down my face and my heart aching, She evolved quickly through marriage, through divorce, more church, more accomplishments, more work, more life, more relationships, more covered pain, more depression, more anxiety, more church, more accomplishment, more relationships, more covered pain, more sadness, and 30 years of  brokenness, fragmentation and sensitivity melted away!  

Time sped up. I wrote the numbers down, and said “I promise Daddy, I’ll give her a call.” 

I thought we were about to disconnect the call until Daddy said, “you know I don’t do the Facebook.”

Me: Yes Daddy I know.

Him: If ya’ll were closer y’all could teach me.

Me: Yes, we could.

Him: I saw your video...the song...Psalm 1?

Me: You did?

Him: Tearfully… I need you to finish that! It’s baaaaaaadddd (that means really good).  I see me in you.  I used to write and dub my voices cause I could hear all of the parts. 

Me: Thank you Daddy! That means so much...

Him: Lemme call your sister.

Me: Be safe Daddy…

Him: Don’t you worry.  I’m covered.  And if these people start moving around too much, Imma stop working.

Me: Thank God, that’s good to hear. 

Him: Alright...later

Me: Bye…

And in that moment I was made whole.

*Sips tea, rocks in the chair, shakes my head…

I was fragmented, and then Daddy called.

I was hurting, and then Daddy called.

I was troubled and confused, and then Daddy called.

I was trying to get approval, and then Daddy called.

I was rushing around, keeping myself occupied and busy and then Daddy called.

I was praying about something totally different, and then, Daddy called.

And when Daddy called, 30 years of limited access was opened to me and, I who was in pieces became one, whole, together again.