Part One: Collision
This post is one of three that I finally am released to share. Let me first be fully transparent in saying that the last few months have been extremely trying. I’ll also share that my testimony is yet being fleshed out. In other words, everything is not in place. Everything is not yet back to normal. However, in this journey, I am learning -in faithful application more than in theoretical memorization and repetitive regurgitation- that one mustn’t wait until the battle is over when there is space and opportunity to shout right now.
It was December 19th at about 4:00. I’d just left our Christmas party at work super excited to begin a two week staycation. My biggest plans were to uninterruptedly watch Netflix with my favorite pajamas and blanket. Basically, I was ready to chill. No work. No travel. No movement at all. Just rest... a much deserved rest I might add. So, I danced to every song at our office party even if it meant I was dancing alone. Secret Santas had already been revealed and I was totally enraptured in the idea that home was waiting for me.
I said my goodbyes and jumped in my car to head home. It was beginning to cool off outside and the sun was attempting to retreat for the afternoon. My journey across the city was a pensive one. The sounds of Sirius radio tuned into Kirk Franklin’s station played as a soundtrack to the battle in my mind between thoughts of vacation and the stress of a big announcement that I was soon to make. I was just about a third of the way home when all of my thoughts were interrupted. No longer was vacation important. No longer was the announcement a factor. Now, I was focused on the collision.
A driver from the opposite lane beckoned on by another driver to my left, turned into my oncoming car. Before I knew it, we were closer than two strangers traveling in opposite directions should ever be. Air bags... glass... screeching tires... fearful faces... slow motion... stop...I’d been in a wreck! Life had changed; but to what degree I didn’t know at the time.
I felt fine. The other driver felt fine. I was grateful to be alive. I stood outside waiting for the police as the temperature dropped. It looked like everything was going to be awesome. I just needed to get my car to the shop. It was the only thing injured right? Nothing else was wrong and in a moment, life would return to the pace that I knew and loved. Right? I couldn’t have been more wrong.
For two days I was ok. The car was in the shop and undergoing the first round of repairs. It looked like this would all be an easy fix. I tried to go on with life as usual. But that third day, I encountered such severe pain and anxiety that even my sleep cycle was shaken. The break that I’d planned to enjoy was now filled with insurance calls and pain, doctor’s visits and pain, therapy and pain. I was waking up some nights every hour on the hour with my heart racing praying my way through. I was unable to drive long distances because being in the car incited such great terror.
Before I knew it, my staycation was over and it was time to return to work. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I was sleeping more soundly yet still waking up during the night which caused me to be unclear sometimes during the day. I spiraled a lot in conversations being repetitive as I attempted to talk my way to strength. I’d had a collision and yet the physical collision was minute in comparison to the the wall I’d hit in my spirit.
I needed to be restored, rejuvenated and refilled because I’d poured out so much without revival that I was past empty and had done severe damage to my soul. I was emotionally shot, mentally unclear and drained. My will to keep pushing everyday was just as painful, if not more so, than the physical injuries I’d sustained. I begged people to pray for me to get rest. I explained to my friends and family that I was struggling. Some days were awesome. Other days I couldn’t shake the knowledge that I’d done too much. I’d gone too far. I’d drifted away from my relationship with God and settled for the work while neglecting the worship that connected me to Him.
Yep, this was after I’d preached to others.
Yes, this was after I’d taught lessons and rendered anointed expositions.
Without a doubt this was after I’d led others into the presence of God in praise and worship.
This was totally after I’d given the Lord “another yes” agreeing to align my will with His.
Even after all of the work, I was still empty.
Even after all of the work, I was still in pain.
Even after all of the work, some were not satisfied and some wanted more. Selah
So here I was. Broken. Stressed. Sleepless. Unclear. Exhausted. Here I was experiencing the aftermath of a collision physically, soulishly, and spiritually. Here I was needing a realignment, a refreshing, a resurgence of power. Here I was desperately praying for a focused mind so that the anxiety that was plaguing me would subside. Here I was praying that God would give me the strength to stand in the decision that He’d called me to make as I was now away from a work that I was faithful to. Instead God was beginning a work in me for proper placement in destiny’s purposeful plan.
I’d collided.
